The Miracle of Kenmore

Recently out Kenmore over the counter microwave mysteriously died. It worked fine for nearly two years but one morning it just decided it could not heat up anymore leftovers. I feared the worst but in a last ditch effort, I contacted the Kenmore repairman. His efforts would not come cheap. He required $75 for merely showing up. Any repairs he could offer would be more. Well he delivered the worst of news. The heart of our dear Kenmore, it's magnetron, was broken. It could no longer deliver its powerful microwaves which warm our food, pop our popcorn and heat up our mugs of water. The repairman offered cold comfort claiming that he could replace the magnetron but at a cost nearly doubling that of a replacement microwave. Thus we had no choice but to accept our loss and begin preparations for new microwave shopping. Now is when a higher power intervened. My wife, armed with nothing but the force of habit, tried to heat up a mug of water to make her tea in our derelict microwave. She realized shortly the silly mistake that she had made. However, when she went to remove the mug the water it contained was warm. Praise be to the savior. What happened? I do not know the answer to this question. I am sure the hand of a higher power rekindled the power of our microwaves magnetron and blessed us again with its power to heat up whatever we desire. I guess the $75 was worth it...

Let's get shunning

There was some tragic news today. New York Jets Super Fan Firemen Ed has decided to give up  on his beloved Jets because of the bad energy that has been forming around the team and the stadium. I've got to say this is a horrible tragedy well worthy of the national sports news attention it has garnered. Wait, I think I misstated that.   I meant to say who the F--- cares about firemen Ed or any other superfan, much less what their opinions may be about anything.

Important opinion maker?

I say we should shun anybody who attempts to become and or embraces the idea of being a superfan of any sports organization. I enjoy sports but somehow I manage to keep my ego in check adequately where I do not feel the need to use my extreme fandom as a vehicle for garnering a modicum of fame. 

I don't know how I do it but I manage.

I suppose being a center of attention is nice but try to get there by doing something worth a damn.

Of course Firemen Ed is not alone but I can't go after every superfan. At least not today...

Are you listening Big Dawg?

Stop Saying That

At the risk of being snooty... Who am I kidding? I am trying to be snooty right now. Something that has been bugging me as a football fan (american football) is the phrase "turnover ratio". The phrase is always improperly used in the following way. Team A has 10 takeaways and 7 turnovers this season. Therefore, their "turnover ratio" is +3. I hate to be the one to point this out but that is in no way a ratio. A "turnover ratio" would be 10/7 or some such thing. It would have to involve division. When we subtract turnovers from takeaways we have the "turnover differential" which I think sounds cool and is actually correct.

So who cares about this? No one but me.

Michael Vick often contributes to the turnover differential.

A Step Back

Well my personal assistant job seems to have fallen through. I'll spare you the details but we all know these things happen in business from time to time when serious players just can't see eye to eye.

Moving forward, I am now looking for a lawyer who specializes in fraudulent international money transfers.

I could also use a good credit repair service.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

The First Step

I'm not one to brag, but while all of you were stuffing yourselves with turkey, I was taking my first step to my inevitable fortune. My new web presence is already starting to pay dividends in the form of a lucrative job offer. Earlier today, Martin Brown sent me an email informing me that I was "urgently needed" as his very own personal assistant. I am not personally familiar with Mr. Brown, but I presume he must be a man of significant stature if he able to offer the handsome price of $500 per week to a potential personal assistant. I am currently considering the offer but I think I will have to negotiate the salary. "Never take their first offer" is my motto. I suspect I can talk him up to $550 or $575 per week. He goes low, I go high and we will settle somewhere in the middle. You now how the game works. I will happily accept your congratulations now. Don't be jealous. One of these days you may receive an unannounced email from me offering you a similar opportunity. Keep on dreaming and your opportunities will come.

Keep working and your opportunity will come...

Cranberry Sauce

First of all much thanks to Adam Carolla for enlightening me this issue. For the rest of you unenlightened listen up. During the Thanksgiving Holiday, please don't make the horrible error of eating the purple gelatinous blob shaped like a can that so many people call cranberry sauce with your holiday meal. Please take the the time to follow one of the extremely simple recipes online to make a delicious cranberry sauce from real cranberries. It is basically a simple mix of cranberries, sugar and water and a little time on the stove. You will thank me for this holiday blessing...

Easy Cranberry Sauce

Would you like this?

or this?

I wish I was at the pitch meeting for...

How do bad movies get made? Somewhere along the way somebody had to explain to somebody else with some money that it would be worthwhile to spend said money on making this terrific idea of a movie.

1. Xanadu http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081777/

Pitchman: Alright, I've got a great idea let's bring together roller disco and greek mythology. I know right? How has so much time had to pass by before these natural plot elements came together. Throw in Olivia Newton John and this thing can't miss.

Moneyman: Well... It sounds pretty good but could we work in Gene Kelly?

Pitchman: Of course. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Moneyman: Great! Let's make this thing happen. Where is my checkbook?

Pitchman: One more thing the soundtrack absolutely must feature ELO or the deal is off.

Moneyman: No problem. I mean what other band could possibly fit the bill?