Let's get shunning

There was some tragic news today. New York Jets Super Fan Firemen Ed has decided to give up  on his beloved Jets because of the bad energy that has been forming around the team and the stadium. I've got to say this is a horrible tragedy well worthy of the national sports news attention it has garnered. Wait, I think I misstated that.   I meant to say who the F--- cares about firemen Ed or any other superfan, much less what their opinions may be about anything.

Important opinion maker?

I say we should shun anybody who attempts to become and or embraces the idea of being a superfan of any sports organization. I enjoy sports but somehow I manage to keep my ego in check adequately where I do not feel the need to use my extreme fandom as a vehicle for garnering a modicum of fame. 

I don't know how I do it but I manage.

I suppose being a center of attention is nice but try to get there by doing something worth a damn.

Of course Firemen Ed is not alone but I can't go after every superfan. At least not today...

Are you listening Big Dawg?

Stop Saying That

At the risk of being snooty... Who am I kidding? I am trying to be snooty right now. Something that has been bugging me as a football fan (american football) is the phrase "turnover ratio". The phrase is always improperly used in the following way. Team A has 10 takeaways and 7 turnovers this season. Therefore, their "turnover ratio" is +3. I hate to be the one to point this out but that is in no way a ratio. A "turnover ratio" would be 10/7 or some such thing. It would have to involve division. When we subtract turnovers from takeaways we have the "turnover differential" which I think sounds cool and is actually correct.

So who cares about this? No one but me.

Michael Vick often contributes to the turnover differential.

A Step Back

Well my personal assistant job seems to have fallen through. I'll spare you the details but we all know these things happen in business from time to time when serious players just can't see eye to eye.

Moving forward, I am now looking for a lawyer who specializes in fraudulent international money transfers.

I could also use a good credit repair service.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

The First Step

I'm not one to brag, but while all of you were stuffing yourselves with turkey, I was taking my first step to my inevitable fortune. My new web presence is already starting to pay dividends in the form of a lucrative job offer. Earlier today, Martin Brown sent me an email informing me that I was "urgently needed" as his very own personal assistant. I am not personally familiar with Mr. Brown, but I presume he must be a man of significant stature if he able to offer the handsome price of $500 per week to a potential personal assistant. I am currently considering the offer but I think I will have to negotiate the salary. "Never take their first offer" is my motto. I suspect I can talk him up to $550 or $575 per week. He goes low, I go high and we will settle somewhere in the middle. You now how the game works. I will happily accept your congratulations now. Don't be jealous. One of these days you may receive an unannounced email from me offering you a similar opportunity. Keep on dreaming and your opportunities will come.

Keep working and your opportunity will come...

Cranberry Sauce

First of all much thanks to Adam Carolla for enlightening me this issue. For the rest of you unenlightened listen up. During the Thanksgiving Holiday, please don't make the horrible error of eating the purple gelatinous blob shaped like a can that so many people call cranberry sauce with your holiday meal. Please take the the time to follow one of the extremely simple recipes online to make a delicious cranberry sauce from real cranberries. It is basically a simple mix of cranberries, sugar and water and a little time on the stove. You will thank me for this holiday blessing...

Easy Cranberry Sauce

Would you like this?

or this?

I wish I was at the pitch meeting for...

How do bad movies get made? Somewhere along the way somebody had to explain to somebody else with some money that it would be worthwhile to spend said money on making this terrific idea of a movie.

1. Xanadu http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081777/

Pitchman: Alright, I've got a great idea let's bring together roller disco and greek mythology. I know right? How has so much time had to pass by before these natural plot elements came together. Throw in Olivia Newton John and this thing can't miss.

Moneyman: Well... It sounds pretty good but could we work in Gene Kelly?

Pitchman: Of course. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Moneyman: Great! Let's make this thing happen. Where is my checkbook?

Pitchman: One more thing the soundtrack absolutely must feature ELO or the deal is off.

Moneyman: No problem. I mean what other band could possibly fit the bill?

Please stop the uggs already...

Even though they are starting to fade I still see way to many uggs out there on women's feet. Attention: you have been victims of fraud. Uggs do not look good. Somehow women who generally take pride in their appearance still put these god awful things on their feet and walk around in public.

Please stop...

Just so you know these ugg boots give you a silhouette very similar to Napolean Dynamite.

Do you want to look like this?

I know fashion is a powerful force. But here is one place we can draw the line. End the ugg boot madness and move on to some other horribly overpriced fashion trend.

All niche marketing

The conventional wisdom for making large cash on the internet is to focus on niche marketing. Therefore, I welcome all niches. I will get your baby a reverse mortgage. I can help your golf swing improve its credit score. I will show you how your lawyer can help your cat take classes and earn a degree online. I can show you fantasy football team how to make money from home. I can improve your online poker skills to the point where you can find great online travel deals. Let me say "you're welcome" in advance.

I've got Münchausen by Internet

Sad to say I've come down with a case of Münchausen by Internet. It all happened when... Oh who am I kidding? I am just faking it.

Mystery #1 The pictures with messages typed on them.

Where do they come from? The images with text typed over them that send some sort of message. Sometimes the message is sarcastic. Sometimes it is political and sometimes it is an attempt at humor. What they all have in common is I don't give a crap. Nonetheless, there they are every day wasting valuable space on my facebook timeline.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="312"] Thanks for making this clear...[/caption]

What is the solution to this mystery? The internet age has basically allowed every fool with a PC to become their own greeting card company. My motto has always been never let a fool write a greeting card.

People to be shunned

Let me begin the list of people whom I feel should be shunned from modern society for their unacceptable behavior.

1. People who proudly state the only reason they watch the super bowl is "for the commercials".

Accumulating my internet fortune.

As I continue to unravel all of the mysteries of the internet I figure I might as well make some  cash while I am at it. Only suckers still work actual jobs these days. From now on if I just talk about insurance, medical treatments, loans, attorneys, web hosting, rehab, online classes, lawyers and credit checks along with how these things affect cats and babies then the money will just roll in. So lets sit back and let the magic happen.

Stop saying that...

Phrases that we need to remove from the english language...

1) Go big or go home...

2) At the end of the day...

3) Work hard play hard...

Reverse Mortgage

I've heard a lot about reverse mortgages but I am not quite sure how they work or if they are the right financial solution for me.

Where is mine?

Why don't I get a personal escort when I shop at Wal-mart?

Would you miss it if it was gone?

Rice Pilaf.

Let's get started...

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